Living

I don't know when it happened exactly, but my life reached a point where I was just existing, not living.

The two are very different.

When I "existed" I had things that must be done, like scrubbing toilets, paying bills, and grocery shopping.

I couldn't understand how people ran out of milk or forgot to pay a bill because those things were my life. I existed to make sure everything was in order.

And it was.

Except my life was a mess.

I had died inside.

I couldn't feel anything but depressed that life had to continue day after day.

There was nothing in it.

There was nothing in me.

I forgot how to live. How to be alive.

This is not an exaggeration at all.

And then one day...it was back.

Suddenly my life was filled with people and events and excitement and happiness again.

I started forgetting things, which in my world was a huge victory because it meant I was living and not wasting all my time and attention on obnoxious details. (Shane actually congratulates me when I forget stuff. ) :)

I was no longer getting caught up in the "thick of thin things" as Elder Holland puts it.

I used to wonder things like, "When will I ever have a chance to sit on our couches and just relax?" And then last Sunday Porter, Lana and I sat and talked on those couches for a few hours. Totally unplanned.

Unplanned in Dixie's world = accomplishment. :)

When Shane dropped in for a surprise visit from Iraq (the best story ever and it blew my mind), I wiped my slate clean for the 4 days he was here, planned a spontaneous trip to the Gila Valley Temple with the kids and didn't fret about anything being missed. I just enjoyed him and our time together and didn't think about thinking....I was living.

Living is driving to my parents house on a Sunday afternoon, setting up a table in the front yard so we can play Boggle while the kids play Mother May I. Laughing our guts out at dumb things we say and teasing each other mercilessly for the stupid things we do.

Living is going to New York with my mother-in-law (my ex-husbands mom) and sister-in-law's and my ex-husband's fiance, shopping all day and staying up until 4:30am talking about everything under the sun. Seriously so much fun...and FYI, I REALLY like my ex-husbands fiance. :)

Living is letting Livy come sleep in my bed because she had a hard day and wants to stay up and talk about it.

Living is sitting at the kitchen table to have lunch with Owen and copying everything he does for 15 minutes while he laughs his guts out and tries to get me to do really ridiculous stuff. (which I do).

Living is singing a lullaby to Morgan every night while she pretends to be sleeping, squeezing her eyes shut as tight as she can while she mouths the words of the song I'm singing.

Living is smiling from ear to ear when you go to bed and find your kids like this in the hallway.

Living is....waiting until 1 am to finish this blog post because your sister-in-law and her sister come over to see your tile and end up staying to talk (on my couches!) for 4 hours.

Living is in the small details of life with the people we love that can get overlooked so easily because we're worried about time, or money, or bigger houses, or nicer cars.

It's allowing the time to laugh and taking the time to be happy.

Existing is awful.

But living is what life is all about.

**Just a quick shout out to those who have helped me to "live" again: Porter & Lana, you've helped loads; Allyson, you always make me laugh; Susan, Natalie, Annie & Erin--New York was magical; Owen, you remind me to play; Morgan, not a day goes by that you don't make me smile; Olivia, you have helped me learn about feelings so much; and more than anyone, Shane. You've changed me and I'm so glad I get to "live" with you. Love you all!