It's True….I Get Fat.

While I know that many people are excited for my pregnancy because it will yield a baby, I also know that a lot of people are also just excited to see me get fat.

You know it's true.

Well, you will not be disappointed. I do get pretty fat when I get pregnant.

I gain at least 50 pounds and my face looks like it might want to pop.

I have no sort of pregnancy "glow", more like pregnancy hideousness.

Just the other day we were watching an old video in which I was 8 months pregnant with Olivia. Owen shouted out, "Why were you so FAT?!" I tried to explain that it was because I was carrying another human inside my body, but he didn't think that was a good enough reason.

I explained to him that I would be getting fat again and asked him if he would still love me. "Yes," he said, "but it will be really hard."

Rude.

Want to know why I get so fat when I'm pregnant?

Because I eat like a maniac.

I want to eat everything in sight in the hopes that it will make my nausea go away.

It's a problem…and it doesn't usually work.

But I keep trying.

As I was shoving Snickers mini's down my throat, one right after the other a few days ago, Shane just watched in fascination. "This is so weird to see you like this," he said. But I'm sure what he was thinking was, "Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?!?!?!"

Oh honey, it's only just begun.

Once Upon A Time….Our Story of IVF

So here's a little story.

It goes like this.

When Shane and I were dating he told me, on like our 2nd date, that he would not be able to have kids due to a medical condition.

I told him no biggie. I've got three, that should cover us.

And I convinced myself that we were done!

But every time I'd hear about a friend that was pregnant or see a new little baby my heart ached a bit.  I didn't dwell on it too much because I was happy with the life and children I had, but there was this twinge I couldn't quite ignore.

Shane and I talked about it. A lot. But we just didn't feel right about pursuing any avenues (this was about 2 years ago).

Then, a little over a year ago, I just couldn't stop thinking about it and we started pursuing IVF. We knew that was most likely the only way we would be able to conceive.

I started researching clinics, calling around for prices, and trying to get ready for it.

My sister-in-law, Natalie, told me a bit about the IVF process since she had gone through it, and I just realized there was no way I was emotionally ready to go through it at that time.

Shane and I were driving to the temple one day and I was really nervous to tell him that there was no way I could move forward with the process, but I did.  I just took a deep breath and said, "Something doesn't feel right about it to me. I don't know what or why, but I don't feel right."

He told me he was sad, but that he actually agreed.

But I STILL couldn't stop thinking about having a baby.

Drove me CRAZY!

I was thinking, "Hey…I already prayed about this and accepted that for some reason it's not right, so why do I still keep feeling this?"

Every month I would secretly hope that maybe I'd be pregnant by some miracle.

Never happened.

Then in February of this year I babysat my sister's little girl Mayzie for 5 days. Please note, she is one of the cutest babies ever. I should have known she was about to change the course of my life.

When she left my house it felt empty and I just felt like I was missing somebody.

Shane did too.

It was really weird.

I made some comment on Facebook about wanting another baby to which my Dad responded he was all for. I jokingly asked if he'd like to contribute to an IVF fund and he said, "Give me a number."

I immediately emailed him to see if he was serious.

He was.

When we said we wanted to do IVF we had several other very generous, unsolicited, donors including Shane's parents, his grandmother, and Merril (my ex-husband's father). I know that sounds crazy, but we kind of have an awesome relationship. :)

We could not believe it.  We were blown away. And suddenly all lights were green!

The week after we watched Mayzie I found a seminar at the hospital right by us with an IVF clinic that looked really good.  It was called ARMS…Arizona Reproductive Medicine Specialists.

We got there a little late and by happenstance as everyone else went in to listen to the general information seminar, we stayed back and got to sit at a table with one of the doctors and get a personal one on one consultation for nearly an hour asking him every question we ever wanted. (and with IVF, trust me, there are LOTS of questions).

He scheduled us an appointment for that Monday for an official consultation.

I'm so glad he did. We found out there that the medicine Shane was on for low testosterone, Androgel, actually acts like a birth control for men. His urologist had said it could possibly help with us trying to get pregnant. Our fertility doctor wanted to know his name because he basically said he shouldn't be practicing medicine.  Yikes!

Anyway, he told us Shane's numbers would probably be at zero.

They were.

He said it would take about 1-3 months to get those numbers back.

It took 2, and then we were ready to roll.

I started shots on May 11th.  Lots of them. :)

My egg retrieval was done on May 21st and yielded 20 eggs.

They called me the next day to say that 10 had fertilized.

By the time I got to my embryo transfer only 2 embryos were ready, so they transferred them both. That was on May 26th with day 5 blastocysts. (sorry, just some IVF lingo for ya).

4 more embryos did make it to blastocyst and were/are frozen.

And then I waited, and waited, and WAITED to find out if they took. Talk about a torturous week and two days. Not fun.

I still don't know if one or both took, but I did get the call today that I'm pregnant.

I will find out in 2 weeks if it's one baby or two.

It's been a long crazy journey, this IVF thing. It's definitely not for the faint of heart.

Every woman who has gone through this process deserves a medal.

It is rough.

We broke every convention about "waiting to tell" about the pregnancy because my children were nigh unto bursting they were so excited and I couldn't have them hold it in any longer. We only told them about 2 weeks ago and waiting to tell has nearly killed them.

So there's our story…up to this point.

Of course this is really just the beginning of the story.

We can't wait to see what lies ahead...

De-Pantsing the Issue...

Ok, so I may be a bit late to this conversation, but I'm going to say something nonetheless.  Besides that, it's not like Feminism is going away any time soon.

It's about this "wearing pants to church" bit.

Started by Mormon Child Bride with this post I believe:
http://mormonchildbride.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-dignity-of-your-womanhood.html

If you don't want to read it, it's a whole lot of malarkey about women's suffrage through the ages and how you can't just talk about the issues, you've got to DO something…like chain yourself to the White House gates. OR…wear pants to church. (I don't think she actually presents the idea in this post, it was just the beginning of her idea).

Then I ran across this blog post by C. Jane Kendrick (sister of Stephanie Nielson who authors the blog nieniedialogues.com): http://www.cjanekendrick.com/2012/12/proving-myself.html

She's latched on to this idea of wearing pants to church as something really important to do.

Honestly, when I read this post I was so embarrassed for her and for Mormon women in general who have adopted this kind of thinking.

Really, it's embarrassing and childish…which makes sense that this "movement" was started by Mormon Child Bride. Perhaps she should grow up a bit before she puts on her big girl pants.

All I could think over and over again was PLEASE, get out of Utah so you can gain some perspective.

Just out of curiosity I decided to check out C. Jane's sisters' blog to see what she was writing about on the same day that C. Jane was "Proving" herself.  It was a twelve year summary about her beautiful life as a mother and being married to her husband. Not even the remotest mention of "pants".

Why not? Because she knows what matters.

 In the post she wrote the day before this she said:

FYI:
I am perfectly happy and content with my role as woman
and mother in the Mormon faith. I feel fulfilled and loved.
I believe if we have a personal relationship
with God and the Savior, Jesus Christ
and we feel confident in his love for us we don't need prove anything to anyone.
This is what I am going to adamantly teach my girls.

Amen.

Surely this was a response to all the feminist hubbub going on around her and I don't think she could have said it better.

Ironically her sisters title post the next day was "Proving Myself".

Why does one sister feel so content and happy with her role while the other feels it necessary to "prove [her]self"?

Getting angry with the Mormon church for "inequality" is downright stupid. 

Women who are truly paying attention to the things that matter will find no other church where they are more loved and respected than in this church. 

You're fighting against the wrong thing.

Hope for a better world….

After September 11th I remember thinking, "How could I ever EVER bring a child into this world? It is full of awful, scary, horrific people."

6 months later I was pregnant with my first child.

And then I had two more.

After the bombings at the Boston Marathon on Monday, I was reminded of my September 11th feelings.

This world is full of psychos and I've got three children IN it.  How can I ever keep them safe?

And then it hit me.

I can't.

I can't make sure that they don't get bullied at school.

I can't make sure that they don't get in a car accident.

I can't make sure that they don't get killed by a bomb while waiting at a finish line.

All I can do is teach them to be good.

I can teach them to think of others.

I can teach them the value of a human life.

I can teach them the blessing of being able to work.

I can teach them to feel gratitude for what they have and who they are.

I can teach them to love and to be loved.

I can teach them….to be good.

And then I thought, "I sure hope all the good people keep having babies. We need as much good in this world as we can get."

I'm working every day to make sure these three help this world to be a better place….

…They are my hope.

5 Years and Counting….

Five years ago today I married this guy.

Everything I wrote in that post in 2008 still stands…five years later.

Yep, even the nightly back rubs.

And as that post suggested, he does just keep getting better with age.

How I got so lucky to find "a Shane" I do not know, I'm just so so grateful.

He loves me for who I am, respects me for what I believe, and appreciates me for what I do.

The other night as we were drifting off to sleep he told me, "You're the perfect girl for me." And then he recounted all the reasons why.

Then he told me how, when he thinks about his life before me, it just seems silly and pointless.

I smiled from ear to ear in the dark.

I thought it was cute that he thought he was the lucky one because I knew the truth….

I'm the lucky one.

Round Two…the final round.

Last post on this, I swear.

This time expressing my views, not just that I would like to be able to have them without others getting angry. (which apparently I can't). :)

These are my actual views.

I know….double suicide.

But last night Shane and I were talking and he said, "Do you think it's inevitable that gay marriage is going to happen?"

I said, "Well, if I say nothing because I believe it's inevitable then it's definitely inevitable."

To my conservative friends:  Stand up for what you believe. If you don't know what you believe, figure it out. If you believe something but don't know why, figure it out. But don't allow liberal bullies to kowtow you into silence.

I am not a homophobe.

I am not a hater.

I am not a bigot.

I would never say or do anything mean or cruel to someone because of their sexual orientation.

I have gay friends.

I tend to think people are made up of more than just their sexuality. I don't like people because they are gay or because they aren't gay.  I like them because they are funny, or smart, or kind, or talented, or any number of different things. I would hate to think people like me or don't like me because I'm straight.

So when I say I'm against gay marriage you can't tell me that it's because of any of the above reasons.

It is also NOT because my church says I have to believe this way or because I think being a "good mormon" means I don't support it.

I have my own brain and I use it.

Recently I stumbled upon an article written by a Libertarian who neither supports or opposes gay marriage. She actually refuses to have an opinion on it.  But she brilliantly describes the social implications of allowing gay marriage into our society.

It's long. Really long. But if you are going to have a public opinion of gay marriage (for or against) you should read this in its entirety.  No really. If you're gonna open your mouth in public to support it or oppose it, you need to know what you're really supporting or opposing.  This is it.
(hint: it has nothing to do with equality).

http://fireflydove.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/a-libertarian-view-of-gay-marriage/

If you are for gay marriage because you think this is about equal rights, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you want to be PC, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you think it is the most kind and accepting thing to do, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you don't want to stand in anybody's way of what they want to do, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you think it doesn't really affect you, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage and you don't want to/won't read the article because you already know how things should be…you make me nervous.

I am not smarter than God.

I am not smarter than history.

Both of these demand marriage to be between a man and a woman. (if you don't believe in the one, then certainly you have to believe in the other.)

There is a reason history repeats itself.  People think they are smarter and more progressive than their foolish parents of yesteryear.

There's sort of a pattern people.  (read the article)

You should pay attention to it.   (read the article)

And if you want to tell me I'm a bigot or a jerk or a hater, just make sure you read the whole article first.

Everything she writes is the reason I believe what I believe and none of it is hateful.

The question is: Are you willing to flippantly mess with a fundamental foundation of society* because you think it would be "nice"?

For me the answer is no.



*not just our society, but any society that has ever worked

Oh yeah, I'm going there….

I didn't want to have to do this.

But I feel like I need to.

I'm gonna address the "equal rights" issue.

I know…suicide.

But I just gotta.

So this is the way I am perceiving society's view of things:

If you believe in gay marriage you are kind, loving, accepting, progressive, openminded, etc. You clearly understand the meaning of love and charity more than others. You are a good person.

If you don't believe in gay marriage you are a bigot, selfish, a hater, homophobic and imposing of your beliefs on others. You are so dumb that you can't even see that others should get the same rights that you get.  It's so clear, why don't you get it?

I could be totally off with my perceptions, but from the conversations I've had and seen and read, this is pretty accurate.

So, now on to my thoughts.  I know that you're dying to hear them.

When the subject of gay marriage first came out I thought, "I don't really care. Let them get married if they want to." But as the subject has not gone away (and is not going away any time soon) and I've had to figure out what I really believe and why, I realized this:

 I have no right to tell someone who they should or shouldn't marry.

Lest you misunderstand me, let me also state that you have no right to tell someone who they should or shouldn't marry.

Marriage is ordained of God.
And, since God is the one who is in charge, He sets the rules.
He happens to say marriage is between a man and a woman.  (research: scriptures)
God says that, not me.

I know that not everybody believes in God, but I do.

So when I say I am against gay marriage, it's not because I don't want someone to be happy or because I think I'm smarter or better or more righteous or anything. If anything my heart hurts for those having to deal with this.  I hate it and I wish nobody had to deal with this issue.  (and not in a "pity" kind of way, so don't get angry at me for that).

When I say I'm not for gay marriage it's because I answer to someone higher than my Facebook Friends.

I answer to God.

So if I disagree with you please respect that. I am following what I truly believe is right in my heart.  If you believe that supporting gay marriage is truly right in your heart, by all means follow that.

You should never ignore your conscience.

Please don't ask me to ignore mine.

Who's On Your Team?

The other day Shane shared with me an article on a talk given by Mitt Romney at BYU. I can't remember the details but essentially the talk was on core values. When Mitt had formed his company with several other men they found themselves at each others throats because they all wanted different things out of the company. They met with a business psychologist who talked them through their issues and at the end of the week told them this: When you are living out of sink with your core values you will be more stressed and unhappy and unfulfilled, no matter what your success, than if you live in sink with your core values.  "So how do we figure out what our core values are?" they wanted to know. Pick the 5 people you most admire in life and look at their values. This is how you'll know what your core values are.

I told Shane that this exercise is always boring because inevitably everyone has the same answers: Jesus Christ, Prophets, Abe Lincoln, Parents, Spouses…with maybe some small variation of that.  So he said, "Okay. Let's make it more interesting. Who'd be on your team if we rule out family and religious leaders?"

Now THAT is more interesting and a lot harder to do.  We spent the next hour picking our "team". When we picked someone we had to say why we picked them and what value they represented to us that we wanted to achieve.  So….here's my team.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf-- Okay, I know we made a rule of no religious leaders. But we both agreed to allow ONE apostle.  President Uchtdorf was my easy and obvious choice. His ability to speak to the heart of women is incredible to me. He has such a great sense of humor and love of life, while at the same time he can really drive home the importance of a certain principle. Pretty much all of my favorite conference talks of the last 4 years are from him. He rules and he was the first pick on my team.

Mitt Romney-- My second pick. I know it's ironic that it was his article that led us to talk about this, but I really wanted him on my team. His ability to lead and organize on a large scale is something I really admire. I also love that he didn't back down from being Mormon throughout his campaign, despite that massive amounts of pressure that were put on him. I also believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that he only ran for President because he knew he could help our country. Not because he wanted fame or laud or honor…he just wanted to help. To me that is incredible. There are so many stories I've heard about him, through the grapevine, of quiet kindness and goodness. I also love how faithful and devoted he is to his wife. He's just a good man.

Stephanie Nielsen-- My third pick. I was really happy with this pick. She is such an amazing example of overcoming adversity. But I think more than that, I really relate to the way she is as a mother. The value and importance she puts on her kids and on her role as a mom really speak to me. She sees the joy in the little details of motherhood and I'm grateful for her reminders of that. I am also impressed with her as a missionary. She has taken every opportunity she can to share the gospel and I love that. She is truly an amazing woman.

Merie Kamerer-- My fourth pick. Merie is the Relief Society president in our ward. And she works endlessly for the women in our area. But that is not why she is on my list. Merie is one of the most genuinely kind and caring people I have ever known. There is a story that will forever stand out in my mind to illustrate this truth. Last summer Owen was on a "selling" kick. Early in the morning, before swim team, he would drag a table outside and set up his sale. He was selling pictures for awhile. $1 per picture. Sweet Merie, unsuspectingly, came running around our block on her morning jog and came across Owen's sale. It was about this time that I happened to glance out the window. There Owen was, standing tall and explaining each picture to her and Merie was listening intently. I could tell from across the street she made Owen feel important, like what he was doing had value. She ran home to get money. And then she tried to run past Owen for like a month after that, just to see if he had another "sale" set up. I was thinking how I'd be avoiding that route if I were her, and here she was trying specifically to run past him. I hope to have such goodness some day.

Mike Oliver-- Last of all is Mike Oliver, the principle of my kids' school. Anybody that knows this school and how it is run knows that he is unique in his approach. And they also know that this uniqueness is what makes their school the amazing place it is. Mike is respectful of everyone…from the best teachers, to the smallest kindergartner, to the janitor, to the crossing guards. He treats them all with the utmost respect. He exudes happiness and love of life. He takes his job of watching out for our kids quite seriously and values parents and students alike. He constantly shows his appreciation to parents for entrusting him with their children and you always feel valued and welcomed in the school. His attitude is always so positive and the entire tone of the school is set in the right direction by him. I try to adopt his philosophies and policies with my swim team. I can't imagine taking my kids anywhere else.

So there's my team. I guess if I had to break down each person into a core value it might look something like this:

Uchtdorf- Understanding
Romney- Honorable
Nielsen- Displays the Divinity of Motherhood
Kamerer- Genuine Goodness
Oliver- Leads with Love

Here was Shane's list--
Jeffery R. Holland
Robert Krogh (an old mission companion)
Ronald Regan
Tea Cup (fictional character from "Their Eyes Were Watching God")
Merril Dayton (my ex-husbands dad…how awesome is that!)

It was a really fun conversation and took a lot of thought, but it was worth it. I think it's important to figure out what you value and why and try to align your life with your core values so you are living in sink.

So…who would be on your team?