The Buckle

So guess who is the coolest?

I'm assuming you all just said, "You are Dixie."

To which I would respond, "Correct."

A couple weeks ago, after getting home from a fab-o shopping trip in New York City I decided to go spend the rest of my shopping money on a good pair of jeans because it's been over 2 YEARS since I've bought any jeans. (and I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I LOVE jeans). :)

I was in dire need.

So I moseyed on in to the Buckle (my jeans store of choice) in one of my hot new little New York outfits and started shopping away.

All the kids were at school and to an outside observer I might actually pass as a normal human being.

And pass I did!

As I was purchasing my jeans the manager and the sales girl who had been helping me handed me this card:

Then they told me they are really looking to hire people like myself and wanted to know if I was interested, or if I wasn't interested I probably know a TON of people that are looking for jobs so could I please let them know they are hiring.

I was a little dumbfounded and didn't quite know what to say. Here is a list of things that went through my head:

• Actually when I was at preschool talking to all the other moms we were really mentioning how we'd love a "career" at the Buckle.
• You do realize I'm a 32 year old mother of three. I'd totally kill your cool factor real fast.
• Are you freaking serious?!

So what I actually said was: "No. I don't really know anyone." And I must have looked at him like he was stupid because my face does that without meaning to.

He looked shocked and didn't really know what else to say.

And then I left.

For a split second I passed for a cool person.

Very flattering but,

...totally not true.

An Unhealthy Relationship

I've got a bro.

His name is Porter, and I just realized today that we have, quite literally, an unhealthy relationship. (despite this picture taken just before we did a triathlon which would suggest a healthy relationship).

I went over to his house today (3 houses down from mine), sat down on his couch and upon seeing me he said, "I could really go for some cookies right now."

It was at this moment that it dawned on me that is what Porter says to me 75% of the time we see each other.

We see each other a lot. :)

I said to Porter, "Is it me? Does just seeing me make you want cookies?"

I could see the realization flood across his face, "You know what, yes. I think you're right."

To be fair, I do believe the text I sent him last night said this: "So what are we doing for Biggest Loser? Are you going to make the brownies or am I?"

Apparently he has the same affect on me.

I love you Port, but for the sake of my backside maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore.

**I think I just blew all of my clients minds that I personal train. For the record, we don't always make them and I follow the rules...only when hungry, never past full. Well, most of the time. :)**

Living

I don't know when it happened exactly, but my life reached a point where I was just existing, not living.

The two are very different.

When I "existed" I had things that must be done, like scrubbing toilets, paying bills, and grocery shopping.

I couldn't understand how people ran out of milk or forgot to pay a bill because those things were my life. I existed to make sure everything was in order.

And it was.

Except my life was a mess.

I had died inside.

I couldn't feel anything but depressed that life had to continue day after day.

There was nothing in it.

There was nothing in me.

I forgot how to live. How to be alive.

This is not an exaggeration at all.

And then one day...it was back.

Suddenly my life was filled with people and events and excitement and happiness again.

I started forgetting things, which in my world was a huge victory because it meant I was living and not wasting all my time and attention on obnoxious details. (Shane actually congratulates me when I forget stuff. ) :)

I was no longer getting caught up in the "thick of thin things" as Elder Holland puts it.

I used to wonder things like, "When will I ever have a chance to sit on our couches and just relax?" And then last Sunday Porter, Lana and I sat and talked on those couches for a few hours. Totally unplanned.

Unplanned in Dixie's world = accomplishment. :)

When Shane dropped in for a surprise visit from Iraq (the best story ever and it blew my mind), I wiped my slate clean for the 4 days he was here, planned a spontaneous trip to the Gila Valley Temple with the kids and didn't fret about anything being missed. I just enjoyed him and our time together and didn't think about thinking....I was living.

Living is driving to my parents house on a Sunday afternoon, setting up a table in the front yard so we can play Boggle while the kids play Mother May I. Laughing our guts out at dumb things we say and teasing each other mercilessly for the stupid things we do.

Living is going to New York with my mother-in-law (my ex-husbands mom) and sister-in-law's and my ex-husband's fiance, shopping all day and staying up until 4:30am talking about everything under the sun. Seriously so much fun...and FYI, I REALLY like my ex-husbands fiance. :)

Living is letting Livy come sleep in my bed because she had a hard day and wants to stay up and talk about it.

Living is sitting at the kitchen table to have lunch with Owen and copying everything he does for 15 minutes while he laughs his guts out and tries to get me to do really ridiculous stuff. (which I do).

Living is singing a lullaby to Morgan every night while she pretends to be sleeping, squeezing her eyes shut as tight as she can while she mouths the words of the song I'm singing.

Living is smiling from ear to ear when you go to bed and find your kids like this in the hallway.

Living is....waiting until 1 am to finish this blog post because your sister-in-law and her sister come over to see your tile and end up staying to talk (on my couches!) for 4 hours.

Living is in the small details of life with the people we love that can get overlooked so easily because we're worried about time, or money, or bigger houses, or nicer cars.

It's allowing the time to laugh and taking the time to be happy.

Existing is awful.

But living is what life is all about.

**Just a quick shout out to those who have helped me to "live" again: Porter & Lana, you've helped loads; Allyson, you always make me laugh; Susan, Natalie, Annie & Erin--New York was magical; Owen, you remind me to play; Morgan, not a day goes by that you don't make me smile; Olivia, you have helped me learn about feelings so much; and more than anyone, Shane. You've changed me and I'm so glad I get to "live" with you. Love you all!

I Heart Shane.

About 9 or 10 months ago Shane came home from work one day and said:

"ASU put in a bid to teach in Iraq. We'd be teaching teacher trainers (Shane's favorite type of teaching) from Iraq how to teach better English in their schools. I'm sure we won't get it, but it's a possibility and if we do, I will most likely go."

I knew right then he'd be going.

I just felt it--and if you know me at all, I'm a feeler.

Feel-er (noun) = someone who can feel when something is right or wrong or if something is really going to happen.

That's me.

So of course, ASU won the bid and Shane was selected to go.

First it was just going to be two 10 day sessions in November and December. Then it got pushed back to mid-March, then the beginning of April. And then it wasn't just for 10 days, but for 2 months! I wonder how long Shane knew this before he let me know. He was pretty evasive when I'd ask questions. Hmmmm, sneaky guy. :)

Anyway, it seemed like it wasn't ever really going to come... until it came. Now it feels like it will never really be over. And yet I know it will be.

It's times like these I really feel like Morgan or Olivia, cursed with extreme emotions. When Olivia and Tatum get in a fight and Olivia claims, with much conviction I might add: "I NEVER want to see Tatum again. She is the meanest person in the whole world!!!" Or Morgan telling me: "I can't stop crying. I tried EVERYTHING and I just can't stop!"

I get this.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Shane will NEVER be home. I hate this!" I try to keep it on the inside (unless I'm talking to Shane), but I find myself wanting to pout like a 5-year old all the time. It's good to have kids to give me some perspective so I can see how silly it sounds/looks.

However, I must say that this situation has definitely changed me--a lot.

I've had a lot of time to think about what's important to me. What matters. Who matters. And why they matter. What I should worry about and what I shouldn't worry about. What deserves my time and what doesn't.

It's been really good.

I know there have been days when Shane was here that I took him for granted. I feel bad for that. And I'm afraid of doing that again. It's so easy to do when someone is so close to you.

But a big part of this change in me sees the importance of not taking him, or any other people I love in my life, for granted. They are to be loved and appreciated every day.

And as Shane gets ready to come home (2 weeks from today!) I prep my heart for the real test.

...Loving him and appreciating him while he's here. :)

Seven Never Looked So Good

When Olivia was in my tummy I knew, I just knew she was going to be girly.

It was almost as if I was given visions of her prancing around the house in the most girl-like fashion.

I was right.

I don't know how a newborn can act girly, but she did! Even though she didn't have much hair nobody ever mistook her for a boy baby...she always looked like a girl.

When she was 18 months old (maybe even younger) she decided she would wear nothing but skirts. I mean NOTHING but skirts. (oh, and swimsuits). I'm a jeans girl people, this was a frustrating stage for me. Not to mention we were living in Utah and dealing with snow. It was rough.

She finally evolved to accept other types of clothing. She's got a greater fashion sense than I do and she loves to accessorize and dress up like she was 20-something.

Lana and I are certain our girls must have gotten switched at birth because her daughter is a total tomboy and loves to wear T-shirts and jeans all the time. See THAT I can understand. :)

Needless to say, I am quite grateful to have a dainty daughter. I've learned a lot from her and how to appreciate her differences from me. I love who she is. How could I not?

Fashion aside she is one of the most kind little girls I have ever known. If she ever sees me upset she will come and rub MY back and tell me it's okay and ask if there is anything she can do for me. She told me the other night that I'm perfect--and she actually looked like she believed it when she said it. (Livy, read this post when you turn 16. :) )

Once when she was a baby...we're talking maybe 15 months or so...she was sick and I didn't know it. She didn't want to eat and she hadn't eaten for a few days and I was quite worried. Finally one day I just sat in front of her high chair and cried (more like sobbed) and begged her to eat. To my surprise she opened her mouth and ate...everything.

Then, she threw it all up.

Do you see what I'm talking about? She just came with this very tender heart that always wants people to feel okay no matter what she's gotta do.

She's also incredibly observant of the world around her. I got a new pair of "Miss Me" jeans. As I was talking to my sister about them Livy told me, "Oh, Kiley's mom has Miss Me's."

And she said it like she was a 17 year old talking to her 17 year old friends.

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Because she was wearing them when I was over there."

Wha?!

I didn't even know this brand existed until yesterday when I got them.

She's also into music in ways I didn't even know. Today in the car she announced that the Beatles are her favorite band. Tatum was unfamiliar with the Beatles and asked her if she likes Taylor Swift.

"I absolutely do." she replied.

She's just so grown up in her responses sometimes.

Tonight as we were eating and Morgan said she was eating her 2nd piece of pizza when really it was her first Livy tried to correct her.

"No, you're wrong. It's my 2nd." Morgan protested.

Livy just looked at me out of the corner of her eye and smiled coyly.

"You're right Morgan."

Then she turned to me and said, "It's no use arguing with a 3-year old. It's the most impossible thing in the world."

How can one little seven year old girl be so wise?

I know if I were seven right now, I'd really want to be friends with Livy.

But I'm even luckier than that...

...I get to be her mom.

Winner, Winner--Chicken Dinner!

So our biggest loser contest is officially OVER!

About 5 or 6 weeks ago it became pretty obvious that Troy was gonna take this, and he did. He started at 199.2 pounds and ended at 161.0 for a total of 38.2 pounds lost and a percentage of weight loss = 19.17%! He decided he was going to win (he told me with certainty in his voice and I knew he would) and he worked hard to get there. I'm so impressed with all he has done to make changes in his life to look and feel better. He's a different person inside and out. It's amazing what being active can do for you.

BEFORE

AFTER

AFTER

There were 13 other people that started this contest with him, but when Troy had such an obvious lead everyone opted to drop out....except one person.

Sarah.

Sarah has been working like crazy and didn't allow herself to be deterred by this fact. It didn't matter that Troy was ahead and was most likely going to win. It wasn't about that, it was about changing her life and finishing something she started. She stayed focused. She didn't allow this to distract her or use it as an excuse to stop losing. I'm so proud and impressed with her and know that she will continue her journey because she is determined.

She started out at 246.2 pounds and now weighs 214.8 pounds for a total weight loss of 31.4 pounds and a percentage of 12.75%.

BEFORE

AFTER

AFTER

Congratulations Troy and Sarah for all you have accomplished!

You can do anything you set your mind to...

...So set your mind to great things!

Morgan--She's "Rockin'"

Morgan is her own kind of wonderful.

She knows what she wants, and she always has.

While her sister and cousin opt for beautiful (and slightly creepy) butterfly face paint...

And her brother even gets a rainbow with a star (let's not go there people)...

Morgan opts for....Spongebob. (this picture says a lot)

One of her favorite sayings these days is: "I'm right and you're wrong."

Oh dear.

She's almost always a disheveled mess, but somehow she makes it look good.

For the past week she's been getting bloody noses almost daily to which she'll tell me, "Mom, my nose is blooding again." So we've figured out this hot new look for her so she can go on playing.

She loves her cousins, most especially Dane. But they all make her pretty happy.

(LtoR: Jayce, Morgan, Maggie, Brooklyn, Dane--yeah, she decided a shirt was superfluous.)

Morgan pushes every line and tests every limit WAY more than my other two ever have. It's part of what makes her Morgan.

She is more street smart than the others. While Olivia and Owen are very book smart (probably because I spent inordinate amounts of time reading to them and showing them flash cards when they were tiny--and Morgan sort of got the shaft in the department), Morgan always knows what's going on. She's had to figure out a lot more stuff on her own....and she has indeed figured it out. She will have to explain things to Olivia and Owen sometimes. She knows what things mean that they don't. It's crazy.

She is so comfortable and confident with herself. And, if you haven't heard it, she has the best voice in the world. :)

She's A LOT of work these days. But she sure adds a lot of color to our life.

...And, she's thankful for her ears. :)

For Susan

There is one woman in this world that is second only to my mother in her impact and influence in my life.

Her name is Susan and she happens to be the mother of my ex-husband.

I have loved her from the beginning....and through everything, I have never stopped loving her.

For a long time in the Dayton family she and I were the only women around and we bonded. A lot.

While most people would say, "Ugh, my mother-in-law is coming to visit." I would say, "YES! My mother-in-law is coming to visit. I'm so excited!"

She is always ALWAYS thinking of other people.

I began watching her right away to figure out how I could be more like her. So alive. So bright and full of energy. So much fun to be around.

She is the best hostess you will ever meet and I always wanted to figure out how to do that because she makes everyone feel so welcome--and that is truly a talent.

When Olivia was about 5 months old Susan and Merril moved to New York. All the rest of her sons (my brother-in-laws) were in Utah. We would have them over for Sunday dinner and other events often--not because I felt like it was my responsibility, but because I loved it. And also because I felt like Susan had really taught me how to host and how to enjoy it. I valued (and still do) all the things I learned from her.

She's so good at just dropping little tid-bits of information or suggestions without pushing them on you. More like, "I've learned this really interesting thing, maybe it would work for you."

When I moved to my Lehi house I was 9 months pregnant and tired. Susan unpacked my entire kitchen and much of my house. (among a million other things). When I moved from my Lehi house, leaving in the wake of a divorce from her son, she was right there to help too and I remember thinking, "How in the world would I do any of this without Susan?" She's amazing...and now I'm crying.

Why?

Because while Susan beat breast cancer a few years ago the cancer has returned, but this time it is all throughout her body and the doctors prognosis isn't promising. Liver, lungs, bones, and brain have been affected. Word is, it's terminal.

I sobbed when I heard the news. For myself and for my kids--especially for my Olivia who thinks her Grandma Susan hung the moon.

I've cried many times in the wake of this news not knowing quite what to do with it. I told Shane it was really weird for me to sort of be on the "outside" of all of this with Susan. My Susan. But here I am.

When I got divorced Susan cried because she said she didn't want to lose me. I assured her that she wouldn't. We had done nothing wrong and just because the situation changed didn't mean that our relationship had to. But it has. Our love for each other hasn't, but our relationship has had to make some adjustments.

I guess that's exactly how I feel now. No matter what happens, or how the future changes, I will always love her--even if the situation changes some. She has changed my life forever. Even with all its hardships I wouldn't change an ounce of my past because I value my relationship with her so much.

There are very few people that impact your life so fully and so directly in such a remarkable way as Susan has for me.

And for that I just want to say...

Thank You.