I have thoughts.
Lots of them.
Some deep, some stupid, some really weird, some inspirational, some worth sharing and some not.
Really, Jack Handy would be proud.
I've always thought I'm a very open person; however, there are some places I just don't go.
I never have.
Truth be told, I'm usually pretty safe with what I share.
Now, for the first time in my life I go there with Shane.
He's my tour guide and he's wonderful.
Shane wondered aloud to me the other day if it might actually be helpful to break down some of my walls and share certain emotions, certain imperfections, certain feelings on the blog...to bring them out in the open.
Maybe it's a little harder to be transparent in an open forum when you know your ex-husband reads your blog (what's up Cameron?), but I want to be able to be completely comfortable with myself no matter what.
So here comes my first admission.
I am terrified of feelings.
It's bigger than it sounds.
I have tried for a long time to feel nothing but happy.
To BE nothing but happy.
I got caught up in those sayings, "You can choose how you handle a situation." "10% what happens to you 90% attitude." "How you feel is up to you." Etc.
So I decided I could paste "happy" over everything.
Nothing mattered because I could choose to be happy.
I think my interpretation was a little bit off.
It doesn't quite work like that and all I ended up with was a bunch of unresolved emotions and false situations.
Many years worth.
I figured out something further today.
The reason I am so terrified of feelings is that I don't trust feelings.
They are subjective.
When do I listen to them?
When do I fight against them?
When are they genuine?
When are they manufactured?
In the past, when I've allowed myself to feel and trust my feelings, I've gotten very hurt.
Also, when I've chosen to go against my feelings and not trust them, I realized I should have trusted them, and I got very hurt again.
Feelings keep messing me up.
"Why Dixie, I had no idea you were such a mess." I can hear you all thinking....
Surprise!
11 comments:
I was watching "House" the other day, and they were talking about the right and left brain. Apparently the left brain is all logic and reason and order, and the right brain is emotion and intuition. They said that people have a hard time trusting the right brain because the conclusions it draws don't seem to be based on anything concrete, and yet, a lot of times it's correct.
Apparently it notices things without being able to define them, and therefore it's conclusions aren't as linear or easy to explain. I thought it was moderately interesting.
Anyways, I'm just saying, that as a reasonable and logical person, it's good to trust your feelings sometimes, because there's more objectivity to them than you may realize. Ha ha!
That's awesome that you can talk to Shane about anything. I remember a talk Elder Holland gave about marriage, and he mentioned that you need to be able to trust the person you are married to with everything, all of you. He said that he knows Sister Holland well enough to know just how to help her, and if he chose, just how to hurt her. Which is why it's so important to find someone worthy of that trust and responsibility!
You're awesome, Dixie. Really, who isn't a mess? Good thing you trusted your gut and found Shane.:)
-Holly
p.s. I loved your shout out to Cameron.
i would totally have a private blog just for that purpose (ex). if he wants to see pics email them or put them on another blog. just my 2 cents.
i think it's normal to feel this way. i think i am an open and affectionate person and sometimes i am the opposite to my husband. why? i don't know. we forget.
all i know is that life is tough. my MIL says there are "hills and valleys". paul likes to remind me of this. sometimes i love him to pieces and other times he's just ok. same in everything we do i think. as you know we have to experience the lows to enjoy the highs. our feelings (esp women) get to us at times.
glad you are trusting him.
You're not a mess... you are normal. Thanks for the honesty. I think there is a little piece of each of us in your statements. Glad you have Shane as a sounding board (and of course, your awesome blogging buddies!).
I think what you describe is completely normal. Even under "normal" circumstances, figuring out that balance between intuition and emotion as compared to reason and conscious thought is very difficult. At least, it has been for me. (Am I faithful, or fanatical? Am I thoughtful, or cynical?)
But then, when others prey upon our trust and manipulate our feelings after we have made ourselves completely vulnerable to them, and they do so for nothing more than their own gratification, it becomes all the more difficult to strike that delicate balance. That doesn't make one a mess; it shows the other as cruel.
Kudos (I hate that word) to you for jumping back in the game and trying again to work it out.
Love your blog (I'm a faithful reader, did ya know?). I'm the girl who pretends to have it all together, but I totally don't. I confessed this to a friend the other day, and it felt fabulous to be REAL with someone! Good luck!
I liked that post. It was a good one. You know I barf my feelings and T.M.I. all over my blog all the time, so it's nice to see someone sharing in a more appropriate way! :) Your post actually helped me understand why some people do stay a little more bottled up or private (since I've never really been that way). You described it really well and it made lots of sense.
hooray for heartfelt chats with a sweet hubby!!
Oh, Dixie! That was a great post. It's good you are going through this self discovery and processing through it. Those are all good questions that you bring up and something for all of us to think about. I hope you are seeing this as a great beginning of progression. Believe me, I've got lots of issues on my own that I need to tackle! So thanks for the inspiration to think through my own 'stuff'. It's a good thing I'm married to a therapist!
LOVED this post!! It made me smile!:) I love to see, or read rather, your happiness!!! Shane has brought out a whole new side of Dixie that I love!! (Thanks Shane!) I have ALL those same feelings! I often wonder how much of my happiness is Genuine or is it me choosing to appear happy.... and I like you, have a hard time sharing!! Love your blog.... Love you!!!
You mean to say you are human? You are REAL and I love that about you!
What an incredibly brave and beautiful post, Dixie.
Your blog has been a sweet window into the lives and pictures of my children, and that is why I stop in from time to time. I can understand why my presence here might be uncomfortable for you and your friends. If you'd rather I didn't visit, I will respect that.
Cameron
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