Lessons Learned

Thursday nights Shane and I play on a co-ed softball team.

It's a lot of fun and the kids love the chance they get to run around the ball park with other kids and play in the dirt.

They've also discovered the snack bar.

I've made it clear that I'm not giving them money to buy stuff at the snack bar (even though all the other parents do and I'm just a big meanie!)

Livy and Owen remembered they wanted to bring money and get something from the snack bar last night, so they each grabbed a dollar out of their piggy bank.

But Morgan is broke.

I think she's got 17 cents to her name.

When we got to the field, Morgan immediately broke into tears: "I want to get something too! I want money!"

I offered that if she were willing to do a job for me I could probably help her out.

"NO!" She shouted.  "I want to get a treat!" And then she crumpled into my arms and cried.

Oh how I wanted to just give her a dollar.  It's a dollar.  What's the big deal?

With that little dollar I could buy:

• my daughter's immediate affection
• my way out of an embarrassing public situation 
• the peace of mind that I'm nice and not a big meanie

But then I remembered I don't want to do the easy thing, I want to do the right thing.  The thing that will pay off later.  The thing that will teach her and help her to grow.  And for now, that's the harder thing.

I told her I was sorry, but I couldn't give her a dollar.

With that, I ran out to the field to start the game.  (I was glad I was able to do that because allowing time for her to deal with the situation is essential.  And if I'm right there with her it's so much harder to not want to try to fix it.)

When I came back in she had fully recovered to her happy self.  Olivia had bought some Skittles and, hating to see any soul suffer, she shared with Morgan.

I realized at that moment why it was so important for me to withhold that dollar:

1. Morgan learned how to control her emotions when things didn't go her way.
2. She learned that money has value and if she wants something, she has to work for it.
3. Olivia got the chance to share and build a bond of love and friendship with her sister.

When we immediately give in to the demands of our kids to ward off a tantrum we do them no favors.  I have noticed they are always worse when I do this.  

When we do this we are rewarding them when they are out of control so that we don't have to hear it.  

But what's worse than that is we water down the lessons that they so desperately need to be learning at a young age and that will help them for the rest of their lives.

Is it hard to see our kids disappointed and unhappy?  

Yes.  It's the worst.  I hate it.

But I would so much rather have them learn these lessons over Skittles than over a job or a marriage or any other things later in life.

Hard now, better later.

It's worth it.

She's worth it.

Cereal....Who Knew?

When I was growing up sugar cereal was non-existent in our house.

I envied other kids who could open a cupboard to the glories of Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms.

Oh how I longed for that sugary goodness to coat my mouth at the breakfast table.

No worries. It wasn't that we never got it.  We simply had to win 1st or 2nd place in the City Championship Swim Meet and then we could pick whatever cereal we wanted!  (You'd better believe that was the driving force behind me becoming as good of a swimmer as I was.  I got to pick my own cereal 4 times. :)  You also had to carefully HIDE your cereal once you won it so your sneaky older siblings wouldn't gobble it down.)

So I think I thought when I first became a mom I wouldn't deprive my children of such things, and sugar cereal became the most common breakfast we had. (I hadn't yet discovered the wisdom of my mother's ways).

Oh, I had standards.  No Cocoa Puffs or Cookie Crisp (for the most part), but Lucky Charms was pretty much a staple.

Before long I realized my children were sort of demanding such things.

"MOM, why didn't you get more Lucky Charms?!?!"

The more I thought about this and examined their behavior in general, the more I realized I didn't quite like how they were turning out.  And I knew, of course, that was mostly my fault at this point in time.

First I started becoming Chinese, established "skills", and became more disciplined in my parenting.

Major, MAJOR improvements in their behavior.

Round about this time we also removed not just sugar cereal, but pretty much all cereal after realizing that high fructose corn syrup is in EVERYTHING and it started to really gross me out.

There was actually not a ton of complaining when I straight forward told them we wouldn't be having it anymore and why.  (Food Inc. and Michael Pollen, I blame thank you.)

Now I have started a morning chore chart where they can earn tokens for certain prizes.  There are only certain things that can earn them tokens and other chores they simply have to do.  If they complain about those chores they lose a token.

I have never seen such motivation in all of them, but Owen especially.  He is up at the crack of dawn making his bed & making sure his room is clean.  It's amazing to see him so motivated and focused.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is this.  For 25 tokens (which would be the equivalent of never missing a single job for 2 1/2 weeks) you can pick out your own box of cereal.  The night after we introduced the new program I overheard Morgan discussing with Owen the possibilities.

"Owen," she said in her gravely voice, "I bet when you pick a cereal you can pick a sugary one!"

"Yeah, I know." He said.  I could almost hear him day dreaming about it.

There are a lot of different prizes they can work towards, including $5 cash or a night out for ice cream.  But the biggest motivator proves to be that elusive box of cereal.

My Mom knew it all along. :)