From IVF to Real Live Baby….

It's hard to believe that less than a year ago Trace looked like this: 

Literally.

That is Trace in embryo form and it still blows my mind.

I am so grateful for ARMS (our fertility clinic) for all they did to get us our sweet little baby.

It was a rough ROUGH pregnancy, but I made it through.

Barely.

On Saturday, February 15th, four days after my due date, I was starting to get desperate.  

Really desperate.

I had become completely irrational too.

I cried every day I was overdue and by the end of it I was saying things to Shane like, 

 "What if he never comes out?" and "What if I don't like my baby?"

Craziness.

I started having contractions in the evening, but they were just like ones I'd been having for weeks. But this time they didn't go away…so that was encouraging.

We went to bed around midnight and at 1:30am I woke up to a semi-painful contraction.  Then again at 1:45am and 1:55am.  At that point I tapped Shane and said the words I'd been waiting to say for 9 months and 5 days…."I'm in labor."

"So it's Go Time?!" were the first words out of his mouth.

Yep.

Since I had decided to deliver Trace naturally (no epidural or any other drugs) I wanted to labor at home as long as possible. This was my first time delivering without an epidural and I was a little nervous about it, but when my labor started I felt really calm.

I decided to get in a hot bath and Shane read to me from Jim Gaffigan's book "Dad Is Fat". It was really funny and strangely appropriate because he talks a lot about childbirth and parenting.

Whenever I'd have contractions I'd hit my contraction timer on my phone and Shane would talk me through it. When it was done he'd resume reading.

After about 2 hours my contractions suddenly jumped to being right on top of each other, 2-3 minutes apart, and started to get more painful.  I knew it was time to go.

I had one really painful contraction in the car on the way there, but I really felt like all our hypnobirthing prep had me ready, and I was able to breathe through everything pretty well.

We got to the hospital just after 4am.

When they checked me I was at a 7 and the nurse was surprised.

Right after that I had another pretty painful contraction and threw up a bunch…not fun, but honestly, the pain of throwing up kind of took away from the pain of the contraction so I didn't mind it too much.

They transferred me to labor and delivery and I told my nurse, Mindy, that I was doing this without an epidural. She said she liked it when her patients delivered naturally and that calmed me down a lot to know I had a nurse that was cool with it.

As it turns out, Mindy was AWESOME! I couldn't have asked for a better nurse to help me deliver.

She checked me not long after we got in the room and I was already at an 8. She was really encouraging and told me how great I was doing and that she would never have guessed that this was my first natural birth. She suggested that if they broke my water it would probably speed things along a bit, but the contractions would probably be a little harder. I debated about whether I should do it or not and decided to go ahead and have them do it.

Meanwhile…all this time I'm having contractions and throwing up continually.

As soon as the doctor broke my water I was at a 10. Now that WAS fast!

I just remember thinking, "That's it? I'm already through labor? I thought it would hurt a lot more than that. I was ready for a lot longer and more pain." 

While I was glad that I was through it and ready to push, part of me felt like I had cheated somehow.

When they told me it was time to push I told them I didn't have that "urge" to push that everyone talks about. I didn't feel like pushing at all in fact.  

They had me try anyway.

So with the next contraction I started to push, and I sounded like Monica Seles. 

It was bugging me, but I couldn't not make noise trying to push the baby out.

I was exhausted!

I was pushing and pushing and…nothing.

All my epidural babies came out in one to two pushes, I didn't understand why this baby wouldn't come out but I was starting to panic.

After a lot of pushing and still no baby and thinking I couldn't possibly push one more time I had the thought, "Maybe I can get a C-section right now." I knew it was a crazy thought, but I didn't know how the baby was ever going to come out of me because I was just too tired to push.

I asked, "How many more pushes? I can't keep doing this."

Mindy said, "Well, that depends on the push. It could be one, it could be a lot more."

As soon as she said that that was all I needed to hear. I needed to know it was possible to get him out in one more push. So I asked her to explain to me again what I needed to do. I listened intently and then on the next contraction I gave it everything I had. My eyes were closed and everyone started saying, "Open your eyes! Look! His head is out!!"

I looked and saw my baby half way out and the doctor trying to get his shoulder out. Having him half way out gave me a whole new boost of energy to push him the rest of the way out….and I did.

Dr. Tutt said I did an hours worth of pushing in one push.

Trace came flying out like Superman with both arms out in front of him.

He was born at 6:40am on February 16, 2014.

He weighed 8 lbs. 11 oz. and was 21 inches long.

We fell in love right away.

My two biggest fears didn't come true:

1. He DID come out of me.

2. I DO like him after all. 

Phew.

Trace Richard Dixon

He's perfection.

P.S. If I had it to do over I would definitely deliver naturally again. I loved the whole experience! It was so exciting to be a real part of the process. With epidurals I always felt kind of like a bystander. This was so much better.  And I have to say my recovery has been even better as well. I'm so glad I took the time to prepare for this birth and did it.  It was awesome.

It's True….I Get Fat.

While I know that many people are excited for my pregnancy because it will yield a baby, I also know that a lot of people are also just excited to see me get fat.

You know it's true.

Well, you will not be disappointed. I do get pretty fat when I get pregnant.

I gain at least 50 pounds and my face looks like it might want to pop.

I have no sort of pregnancy "glow", more like pregnancy hideousness.

Just the other day we were watching an old video in which I was 8 months pregnant with Olivia. Owen shouted out, "Why were you so FAT?!" I tried to explain that it was because I was carrying another human inside my body, but he didn't think that was a good enough reason.

I explained to him that I would be getting fat again and asked him if he would still love me. "Yes," he said, "but it will be really hard."

Rude.

Want to know why I get so fat when I'm pregnant?

Because I eat like a maniac.

I want to eat everything in sight in the hopes that it will make my nausea go away.

It's a problem…and it doesn't usually work.

But I keep trying.

As I was shoving Snickers mini's down my throat, one right after the other a few days ago, Shane just watched in fascination. "This is so weird to see you like this," he said. But I'm sure what he was thinking was, "Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?!?!?!"

Oh honey, it's only just begun.

Once Upon A Time….Our Story of IVF

So here's a little story.

It goes like this.

When Shane and I were dating he told me, on like our 2nd date, that he would not be able to have kids due to a medical condition.

I told him no biggie. I've got three, that should cover us.

And I convinced myself that we were done!

But every time I'd hear about a friend that was pregnant or see a new little baby my heart ached a bit.  I didn't dwell on it too much because I was happy with the life and children I had, but there was this twinge I couldn't quite ignore.

Shane and I talked about it. A lot. But we just didn't feel right about pursuing any avenues (this was about 2 years ago).

Then, a little over a year ago, I just couldn't stop thinking about it and we started pursuing IVF. We knew that was most likely the only way we would be able to conceive.

I started researching clinics, calling around for prices, and trying to get ready for it.

My sister-in-law, Natalie, told me a bit about the IVF process since she had gone through it, and I just realized there was no way I was emotionally ready to go through it at that time.

Shane and I were driving to the temple one day and I was really nervous to tell him that there was no way I could move forward with the process, but I did.  I just took a deep breath and said, "Something doesn't feel right about it to me. I don't know what or why, but I don't feel right."

He told me he was sad, but that he actually agreed.

But I STILL couldn't stop thinking about having a baby.

Drove me CRAZY!

I was thinking, "Hey…I already prayed about this and accepted that for some reason it's not right, so why do I still keep feeling this?"

Every month I would secretly hope that maybe I'd be pregnant by some miracle.

Never happened.

Then in February of this year I babysat my sister's little girl Mayzie for 5 days. Please note, she is one of the cutest babies ever. I should have known she was about to change the course of my life.

When she left my house it felt empty and I just felt like I was missing somebody.

Shane did too.

It was really weird.

I made some comment on Facebook about wanting another baby to which my Dad responded he was all for. I jokingly asked if he'd like to contribute to an IVF fund and he said, "Give me a number."

I immediately emailed him to see if he was serious.

He was.

When we said we wanted to do IVF we had several other very generous, unsolicited, donors including Shane's parents, his grandmother, and Merril (my ex-husband's father). I know that sounds crazy, but we kind of have an awesome relationship. :)

We could not believe it.  We were blown away. And suddenly all lights were green!

The week after we watched Mayzie I found a seminar at the hospital right by us with an IVF clinic that looked really good.  It was called ARMS…Arizona Reproductive Medicine Specialists.

We got there a little late and by happenstance as everyone else went in to listen to the general information seminar, we stayed back and got to sit at a table with one of the doctors and get a personal one on one consultation for nearly an hour asking him every question we ever wanted. (and with IVF, trust me, there are LOTS of questions).

He scheduled us an appointment for that Monday for an official consultation.

I'm so glad he did. We found out there that the medicine Shane was on for low testosterone, Androgel, actually acts like a birth control for men. His urologist had said it could possibly help with us trying to get pregnant. Our fertility doctor wanted to know his name because he basically said he shouldn't be practicing medicine.  Yikes!

Anyway, he told us Shane's numbers would probably be at zero.

They were.

He said it would take about 1-3 months to get those numbers back.

It took 2, and then we were ready to roll.

I started shots on May 11th.  Lots of them. :)

My egg retrieval was done on May 21st and yielded 20 eggs.

They called me the next day to say that 10 had fertilized.

By the time I got to my embryo transfer only 2 embryos were ready, so they transferred them both. That was on May 26th with day 5 blastocysts. (sorry, just some IVF lingo for ya).

4 more embryos did make it to blastocyst and were/are frozen.

And then I waited, and waited, and WAITED to find out if they took. Talk about a torturous week and two days. Not fun.

I still don't know if one or both took, but I did get the call today that I'm pregnant.

I will find out in 2 weeks if it's one baby or two.

It's been a long crazy journey, this IVF thing. It's definitely not for the faint of heart.

Every woman who has gone through this process deserves a medal.

It is rough.

We broke every convention about "waiting to tell" about the pregnancy because my children were nigh unto bursting they were so excited and I couldn't have them hold it in any longer. We only told them about 2 weeks ago and waiting to tell has nearly killed them.

So there's our story…up to this point.

Of course this is really just the beginning of the story.

We can't wait to see what lies ahead...

De-Pantsing the Issue...

Ok, so I may be a bit late to this conversation, but I'm going to say something nonetheless.  Besides that, it's not like Feminism is going away any time soon.

It's about this "wearing pants to church" bit.

Started by Mormon Child Bride with this post I believe:
http://mormonchildbride.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-dignity-of-your-womanhood.html

If you don't want to read it, it's a whole lot of malarkey about women's suffrage through the ages and how you can't just talk about the issues, you've got to DO something…like chain yourself to the White House gates. OR…wear pants to church. (I don't think she actually presents the idea in this post, it was just the beginning of her idea).

Then I ran across this blog post by C. Jane Kendrick (sister of Stephanie Nielson who authors the blog nieniedialogues.com): http://www.cjanekendrick.com/2012/12/proving-myself.html

She's latched on to this idea of wearing pants to church as something really important to do.

Honestly, when I read this post I was so embarrassed for her and for Mormon women in general who have adopted this kind of thinking.

Really, it's embarrassing and childish…which makes sense that this "movement" was started by Mormon Child Bride. Perhaps she should grow up a bit before she puts on her big girl pants.

All I could think over and over again was PLEASE, get out of Utah so you can gain some perspective.

Just out of curiosity I decided to check out C. Jane's sisters' blog to see what she was writing about on the same day that C. Jane was "Proving" herself.  It was a twelve year summary about her beautiful life as a mother and being married to her husband. Not even the remotest mention of "pants".

Why not? Because she knows what matters.

 In the post she wrote the day before this she said:

FYI:
I am perfectly happy and content with my role as woman
and mother in the Mormon faith. I feel fulfilled and loved.
I believe if we have a personal relationship
with God and the Savior, Jesus Christ
and we feel confident in his love for us we don't need prove anything to anyone.
This is what I am going to adamantly teach my girls.

Amen.

Surely this was a response to all the feminist hubbub going on around her and I don't think she could have said it better.

Ironically her sisters title post the next day was "Proving Myself".

Why does one sister feel so content and happy with her role while the other feels it necessary to "prove [her]self"?

Getting angry with the Mormon church for "inequality" is downright stupid. 

Women who are truly paying attention to the things that matter will find no other church where they are more loved and respected than in this church. 

You're fighting against the wrong thing.

Hope for a better world….

After September 11th I remember thinking, "How could I ever EVER bring a child into this world? It is full of awful, scary, horrific people."

6 months later I was pregnant with my first child.

And then I had two more.

After the bombings at the Boston Marathon on Monday, I was reminded of my September 11th feelings.

This world is full of psychos and I've got three children IN it.  How can I ever keep them safe?

And then it hit me.

I can't.

I can't make sure that they don't get bullied at school.

I can't make sure that they don't get in a car accident.

I can't make sure that they don't get killed by a bomb while waiting at a finish line.

All I can do is teach them to be good.

I can teach them to think of others.

I can teach them the value of a human life.

I can teach them the blessing of being able to work.

I can teach them to feel gratitude for what they have and who they are.

I can teach them to love and to be loved.

I can teach them….to be good.

And then I thought, "I sure hope all the good people keep having babies. We need as much good in this world as we can get."

I'm working every day to make sure these three help this world to be a better place….

…They are my hope.

5 Years and Counting….

Five years ago today I married this guy.

Everything I wrote in that post in 2008 still stands…five years later.

Yep, even the nightly back rubs.

And as that post suggested, he does just keep getting better with age.

How I got so lucky to find "a Shane" I do not know, I'm just so so grateful.

He loves me for who I am, respects me for what I believe, and appreciates me for what I do.

The other night as we were drifting off to sleep he told me, "You're the perfect girl for me." And then he recounted all the reasons why.

Then he told me how, when he thinks about his life before me, it just seems silly and pointless.

I smiled from ear to ear in the dark.

I thought it was cute that he thought he was the lucky one because I knew the truth….

I'm the lucky one.

Round Two…the final round.

Last post on this, I swear.

This time expressing my views, not just that I would like to be able to have them without others getting angry. (which apparently I can't). :)

These are my actual views.

I know….double suicide.

But last night Shane and I were talking and he said, "Do you think it's inevitable that gay marriage is going to happen?"

I said, "Well, if I say nothing because I believe it's inevitable then it's definitely inevitable."

To my conservative friends:  Stand up for what you believe. If you don't know what you believe, figure it out. If you believe something but don't know why, figure it out. But don't allow liberal bullies to kowtow you into silence.

I am not a homophobe.

I am not a hater.

I am not a bigot.

I would never say or do anything mean or cruel to someone because of their sexual orientation.

I have gay friends.

I tend to think people are made up of more than just their sexuality. I don't like people because they are gay or because they aren't gay.  I like them because they are funny, or smart, or kind, or talented, or any number of different things. I would hate to think people like me or don't like me because I'm straight.

So when I say I'm against gay marriage you can't tell me that it's because of any of the above reasons.

It is also NOT because my church says I have to believe this way or because I think being a "good mormon" means I don't support it.

I have my own brain and I use it.

Recently I stumbled upon an article written by a Libertarian who neither supports or opposes gay marriage. She actually refuses to have an opinion on it.  But she brilliantly describes the social implications of allowing gay marriage into our society.

It's long. Really long. But if you are going to have a public opinion of gay marriage (for or against) you should read this in its entirety.  No really. If you're gonna open your mouth in public to support it or oppose it, you need to know what you're really supporting or opposing.  This is it.
(hint: it has nothing to do with equality).

http://fireflydove.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/a-libertarian-view-of-gay-marriage/

If you are for gay marriage because you think this is about equal rights, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you want to be PC, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you think it is the most kind and accepting thing to do, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you don't want to stand in anybody's way of what they want to do, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage because you think it doesn't really affect you, read the article.

If you are for gay marriage and you don't want to/won't read the article because you already know how things should be…you make me nervous.

I am not smarter than God.

I am not smarter than history.

Both of these demand marriage to be between a man and a woman. (if you don't believe in the one, then certainly you have to believe in the other.)

There is a reason history repeats itself.  People think they are smarter and more progressive than their foolish parents of yesteryear.

There's sort of a pattern people.  (read the article)

You should pay attention to it.   (read the article)

And if you want to tell me I'm a bigot or a jerk or a hater, just make sure you read the whole article first.

Everything she writes is the reason I believe what I believe and none of it is hateful.

The question is: Are you willing to flippantly mess with a fundamental foundation of society* because you think it would be "nice"?

For me the answer is no.



*not just our society, but any society that has ever worked