I had a good friend visiting this weekend. While she was here we talked about the fact that everyone has their own parenting style. She asked me what my "style" was and I explained a few basic ideas I try to stick to:
- Say "no" as little as possible, but when I do say "no" know why I'm saying it.
- Be gentle but firm.
- Give/show lots of love.
I was realizing later that there is one overarching idea that governs my parenting, especially when the kids are acting up. It is this:
Remember, they are learning.
If I can remember this while I am parenting I can always parent in a better way. I can remember that they are trying to figure things out instead of being irritated that they don't already know it.
Here is a simple example. When Morgan is lying on her floor crying because making her bed is "just too hard" I have several approaches to choose from:
1. I can white-knuckle patience. This never goes well because inevitably I will be "nice" at the beginning and then when she doesn't change her behavior, and fast, I get irritated that she doesn't appreciate how "patient" I'm being and then I parent poorly.
2. I can just get irritated that she's whining and crying about a task as simple as making her bed and bully her into doing it. "Just make it now before I give you something to really cry about!"
3. I can be degrading. "Look, we all have to make our beds, it's not like it's hard to do. Just wait until you have to take care of a whole family, then you'll know what hard is."
But here is what I try to do (I'm not always perfect at this, but I do try):
4. I look at Morgan and remember things that feel hard to me. Times that I want to cry or have cried because things just seem "too hard". I have to get to that place emotionally before I proceed or else I will still be in "white knuckle patience mode" and it will be fake. Once I get my heart to the right place emotionally, then I lay down on the floor next to her and say, "Sometimes making your bed just feels really hard doesn't it?" and she'll say, "YES!" And I say, "I know. Sometimes I hate making my bed." Then I'll gather her in my arms and tell her it's okay to feel that way. Then I tell her we should cry really hard about it for 1 minute. "Let's try to get all our crying out and then we'll make the bed." Usually she finds it quite hard to cry at this point because she already feels so much better being validated in her emotions. And if she tries to cry she ends up laughing. And then making her bed doesn't seem quite so hard.
She's learning. She's learning how to deal with emotions. She's learning how do tasks like making her bed. And if I'm just yelling at her instead of teaching her, how will she ever learn?
I try to remember this when my kids:
- Can't sit still.
- Fight with each other.
- Spill the milk.
- Have messy rooms.
- Don't listen to me.
- Are dishonest.
- Cry over things that seem small.
- Want to "help" me with things.
And more.
They are learning. And if I can remember that they are learning and I'm their teacher then I take my role more seriously. If they are struggling then perhaps I need to step up my teaching.
I also try to allow TIME for the learning process to happen and not expect perfection when a lesson has been taught.
Some things take awhile to really learn.
…Like parenting. :)
