Picture This...

Sometimes pictures capture things we don't notice in our every day lives.

This happened the other day.

Dane just had a birthday party.

I walked the kids down and took a cute little picture of Morgan by the door getting ready to enter the Tikki Pool Party.

She's adorable....don't worry, I notice that.

Then we went inside and I wanted to get a picture of Dane with Owen and Morgan giving him his gift.  So I took this quick little picture.

Here is what I noticed:  Owen has a freakin' chiseled body.  What the heck?  He's six!

I mean, I've noticed he is a pretty fit kid, but when I reviewed this picture it kind of freaked me out.

Shane is doing P90X right now...trying to look like Owen.

I suppose what he should be doing is swim skills, with me. :)

Rights and Privileges

Somewhere along the lines of American life this idea of "rights" and "privileges" has gotten seriously confused.

I believe it is this thought process alone that is bringing down our entire society.

Everyone is "entitled" to this or that.

I "deserve" a nice home.  I'm "entitled" to a nice car.  It's my "right" to have an iphone.  I "have to" watch my tv shows.  I "deserve" to make X amount of dollars.  And on and on.

This mentality will prove to be our destruction...if we don't change it in ourselves and our kids.

Last night Shane and I were watching "Kate: Her Story" (of Jon and Kate Plus 8) and in the interview Kate said, "My children deserve life served to them on a gold platter."  I wanted to punch her in the face for saying this.  Children, and people in general, "deserve" 3 things.

1.  To be loved
2.  To be clothed
3.  To be fed

Everything, and I mean everything, outside of that is a privilege.

Unfortunately our American minds have begun to consider most American luxuries as rights.

Consider the difference between my thought process last year and this year.

Last year:
  Kids: "Mom, we've hardly even watched any tv today.  It's not fair!  Please just let us watch one more show."
   Me: (internal thought--Most kids watch way more tv than my kids. I'm sure one more show won't hurt them.)  Sigh, "Okay.  One more show."

What just happened was I fed their "entitlement" by giving in to the idea that they should get to watch one more show, and I bought into it too because in my mind my kids deserved a similar amount of tv as other kids.

This is a small example of something that happened in many other areas of their life as well, and I know happens in the lives of kids all around me.

Now consider something that happened yesterday.

Yesterday: (while doing skills)
   Kids: "Can I take out the garbage?" "No I want to take it out." "NO, I do!" (taking out the garbage is one of the chores they can do for an extra token).
   Me:  "Well, whoever gets done with their skills first can pick their extra job first."

They raced as fast as they could to finish their skills work because they wanted the "privilege" of taking out the garbage.

It was almost unreal to hear my kids arguing about who got to take out the garbage.  But it made me so happy.  They are starting to see work as a privilege...which it most definitely is.

I used to think that giving privileges to my kids showed that I loved them, when in fact, it hurts them.  Privileges always have to be earned or life gets confusing and actually, quite unenjoyable.

This is true for kids and grown ups.

When my kids just got computer time, tv time, junk food, fruit snacks, toys, etc. for no other reason than that it was their "right", they were unhappy.  They couldn't enjoy it because they hadn't earned it and it always left them unsatisfied and wanting more.

Now when they get one of those things they are able to truly enjoy it and on a whole different level.  So what I have "given" them is something even greater.

Much greater.

What a privilege. :)

Lessons Learned

Thursday nights Shane and I play on a co-ed softball team.

It's a lot of fun and the kids love the chance they get to run around the ball park with other kids and play in the dirt.

They've also discovered the snack bar.

I've made it clear that I'm not giving them money to buy stuff at the snack bar (even though all the other parents do and I'm just a big meanie!)

Livy and Owen remembered they wanted to bring money and get something from the snack bar last night, so they each grabbed a dollar out of their piggy bank.

But Morgan is broke.

I think she's got 17 cents to her name.

When we got to the field, Morgan immediately broke into tears: "I want to get something too! I want money!"

I offered that if she were willing to do a job for me I could probably help her out.

"NO!" She shouted.  "I want to get a treat!" And then she crumpled into my arms and cried.

Oh how I wanted to just give her a dollar.  It's a dollar.  What's the big deal?

With that little dollar I could buy:

• my daughter's immediate affection
• my way out of an embarrassing public situation 
• the peace of mind that I'm nice and not a big meanie

But then I remembered I don't want to do the easy thing, I want to do the right thing.  The thing that will pay off later.  The thing that will teach her and help her to grow.  And for now, that's the harder thing.

I told her I was sorry, but I couldn't give her a dollar.

With that, I ran out to the field to start the game.  (I was glad I was able to do that because allowing time for her to deal with the situation is essential.  And if I'm right there with her it's so much harder to not want to try to fix it.)

When I came back in she had fully recovered to her happy self.  Olivia had bought some Skittles and, hating to see any soul suffer, she shared with Morgan.

I realized at that moment why it was so important for me to withhold that dollar:

1. Morgan learned how to control her emotions when things didn't go her way.
2. She learned that money has value and if she wants something, she has to work for it.
3. Olivia got the chance to share and build a bond of love and friendship with her sister.

When we immediately give in to the demands of our kids to ward off a tantrum we do them no favors.  I have noticed they are always worse when I do this.  

When we do this we are rewarding them when they are out of control so that we don't have to hear it.  

But what's worse than that is we water down the lessons that they so desperately need to be learning at a young age and that will help them for the rest of their lives.

Is it hard to see our kids disappointed and unhappy?  

Yes.  It's the worst.  I hate it.

But I would so much rather have them learn these lessons over Skittles than over a job or a marriage or any other things later in life.

Hard now, better later.

It's worth it.

She's worth it.

Cereal....Who Knew?

When I was growing up sugar cereal was non-existent in our house.

I envied other kids who could open a cupboard to the glories of Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms.

Oh how I longed for that sugary goodness to coat my mouth at the breakfast table.

No worries. It wasn't that we never got it.  We simply had to win 1st or 2nd place in the City Championship Swim Meet and then we could pick whatever cereal we wanted!  (You'd better believe that was the driving force behind me becoming as good of a swimmer as I was.  I got to pick my own cereal 4 times. :)  You also had to carefully HIDE your cereal once you won it so your sneaky older siblings wouldn't gobble it down.)

So I think I thought when I first became a mom I wouldn't deprive my children of such things, and sugar cereal became the most common breakfast we had. (I hadn't yet discovered the wisdom of my mother's ways).

Oh, I had standards.  No Cocoa Puffs or Cookie Crisp (for the most part), but Lucky Charms was pretty much a staple.

Before long I realized my children were sort of demanding such things.

"MOM, why didn't you get more Lucky Charms?!?!"

The more I thought about this and examined their behavior in general, the more I realized I didn't quite like how they were turning out.  And I knew, of course, that was mostly my fault at this point in time.

First I started becoming Chinese, established "skills", and became more disciplined in my parenting.

Major, MAJOR improvements in their behavior.

Round about this time we also removed not just sugar cereal, but pretty much all cereal after realizing that high fructose corn syrup is in EVERYTHING and it started to really gross me out.

There was actually not a ton of complaining when I straight forward told them we wouldn't be having it anymore and why.  (Food Inc. and Michael Pollen, I blame thank you.)

Now I have started a morning chore chart where they can earn tokens for certain prizes.  There are only certain things that can earn them tokens and other chores they simply have to do.  If they complain about those chores they lose a token.

I have never seen such motivation in all of them, but Owen especially.  He is up at the crack of dawn making his bed & making sure his room is clean.  It's amazing to see him so motivated and focused.

Anyway, the whole point of this story is this.  For 25 tokens (which would be the equivalent of never missing a single job for 2 1/2 weeks) you can pick out your own box of cereal.  The night after we introduced the new program I overheard Morgan discussing with Owen the possibilities.

"Owen," she said in her gravely voice, "I bet when you pick a cereal you can pick a sugary one!"

"Yeah, I know." He said.  I could almost hear him day dreaming about it.

There are a lot of different prizes they can work towards, including $5 cash or a night out for ice cream.  But the biggest motivator proves to be that elusive box of cereal.

My Mom knew it all along. :)

Skillz

Have you ever been cussed out by someone in regards to your child?

Well, we can check that off my bucket list.  :)

Every Wednesday and Saturday we do Swim Skills.

On about our 3rd day of Swim Skills Owen was bawling his brains out.  He did NOT want to do it.

He started crying the moment he got in because he thought it was all "too hard".  (please keep in mind he was saying this about stuff he has done many times before.)

I wouldn't let him off the hook and I encouraged him to keep going.

He kept crying.

I told him he could not get out of the pool until he finished.

He kept crying.

I stayed firm.

He kept crying.

Then, I hear a shout from across the pool deck from some 20-ish year old kid:

"What the h@(* is your problem?"

I looked around.  Where was this voice coming from?  And what in the? ...is it aimed at me?

When I got over my confusion and honed in on the origin of the voice we made eye contact and he continued:

"You're pushing him like he's in the effing ('cept he didn't say effing) Olympics and he's 5 years old."

First I thought "Actually he's 6," because that's how my brain works, but then I told him to watch his mouth.

Then I asked him if he was a parent.

He said nothing.

I said, "That's what I thought."

He didn't like that and he walked away pretty angrily.

And it hit me right there:  Us American's have the HARDEST time making kids do hard things.


It is hard.

I hate seeing Owen cry and feeling like I'm being mean.

Except the important part is I know I'm not being mean.  I know what he can do.  I know why I'm wanting him to do it.  And THAT is essential to the process.

What is mean is allowing my children to spend all their time watching TV, eating junk food, letting them quit and back out of everything, etc. because they are scared or think it's hard or just don't "feel like" doing something. It never gives them a chance to learn and grow and believe in themselves.

Is swim skills about having him do 20 laps?  No.

It's about helping him to discover that he can indeed do "hard" things.  Things he didn't think he could do.  And when he does it, he will feel so good and start to realize he can do anything.

Want to know what's awesome?

Owen loves swim skills now.

He told me the other day he wishes we had swim skills every day.

He's started to see his own progress, and it feels good.

He keeps checking his muscles, certain they are getting bigger by the minute.

He is a different kid now.  Completely different kid. (even in his class at school).

At the end of swim skills we always do sprints.  Yesterday I told Owen he had to make it across the pool with 2 breaths or less.  And Olivia had to make it across in 1 breath or less.

And we weren't leaving until they did it. (My swim coaches made me swim with no breath at age 6, so I knew this was completely possible).

Owen tried his first one.

3 breaths.

Tried again.

3 breaths...and a decent amount of frustration.

I decided to let him rest a bit while Olivia tried hers.

Olivia made it in NO BREATHS! (this is another post, but needless to say, she was ecstatic!)

Owen got up and tried again.

He made it in 1 breath! And he took 5 seconds off his fastest time. 5 SECONDS!!!

Pure joy. Pride. Excitement. (That's describing him and me).

He kept saying, "I can't believe I could do that!"

I could see his confidence in himself growing before my eyes.

It was like magic.

Do I do swim skills or academic skills with the kids so they can win contests?

No.

I do it so they can win confidence, self esteem and happiness.

And guess what?

We're winning.
















We are still becoming Chinese over here.

I love it.

The kids love it.

It's a beautiful thing.

The Reading Bucket

First off, I must apologize for my last post.

I'm afraid I have offended some by exposing part of my belly. (at least I think it was my belly).



Anyway, on to cuter things.

The other day Owen stayed home from school sick. (that's not the cute part)

I heard him reading to Morgan and turned around to see.

Okay, here's the cute part....

He was reading to her in this bucket:

I don't know why they felt the need to squeeze themselves into this bucket for reading, but whatever.

Now you all want a reading bucket, don't you?

Well as long as you don't look like this:

...then you'll probably fit just fine.

Okay, okay...I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.  

No more.

A Little Valentine's Lesson...

So the other day, I casually mentioned to Shane that I had never received a box of chocolates.

Ever.

And I said it might be nice to get one for Valentine's Day, you know, if he was wondering.

Maybe one that looked like this....

Well, okay.  Maybe it didn't go exactly like that.  

It could be that the conversation went a little more like this:

"Hey hon, I have never gotten a box of chocolates... ever.  And this year I would like some.  In fact, I would like this one, right here (handing him a photographic advertisement).  It needs to be this one.  The red, heart shaped one.  From See's.  Really, I want it." (To be fair, I think it was Fast Sunday and I was really hungry.)

I just wanted to make sure we were clear, that's all.

No confusion=no disappointment come said Valentine's Day.

Well wouldn't you know it, my sweetheart came through. 

It was the same one as I saw in the picture! 

Spectacular!!!

It was waiting on my heart shaped plate on Valentine's morning and I couldn't have been happier.

Fast Forward....3 days later.

Uh oh, my heart shaped candy box looks like this: 

And now I look like this: 

Honey, maybe next year when I demand ask kindly for the red, heart shaped box of chocolates you should buy me flowers and tell me they were all out of chocolates.

For everyone's sake...