Monday, May 28, 2012

Remember, they are learning...


I had a good friend visiting this weekend.  While she was here we talked about the fact that everyone has their own parenting style.  She asked me what my "style" was and I explained a few basic ideas I try to stick to:

  • Say "no" as little as possible, but when I do say "no" know why I'm saying it.
  • Be gentle but firm.
  • Give/show lots of love.

I was realizing later that there is one overarching idea that governs my parenting, especially when the kids are acting up.  It is this:

Remember, they are learning.


If I can remember this while I am parenting I can always parent in a better way.  I can remember that they are trying to figure things out instead of being irritated that they don't already know it.

Here is a simple example.  When Morgan is lying on her floor crying because making her bed is "just too hard" I have several approaches to choose from:

1.  I can white-knuckle patience.  This never goes well because inevitably I will be "nice" at the beginning and then when she doesn't change her behavior, and fast, I get irritated that she doesn't appreciate how "patient" I'm being and then I parent poorly.

2.  I can just get irritated that she's whining and crying about a task as simple as making her bed and bully her into doing it. "Just make it now before I give you something to really cry about!"

3. I can be degrading. "Look, we all have to make our beds, it's not like it's hard to do. Just wait until you have to take care of a whole family, then you'll know what hard is."

But here is what I try to do (I'm not always perfect at this, but I do try):

4.  I look at Morgan and remember things that feel hard to me.  Times that I want to cry or have cried because things just seem "too hard".  I have to get to that place emotionally before I proceed or else I will still be in "white knuckle patience mode" and it will be fake. Once I get my heart to the right place emotionally, then I lay down on the floor next to her and say, "Sometimes making your bed just feels really hard doesn't it?"  and she'll say, "YES!"  And I say, "I know.  Sometimes I hate making my bed."  Then I'll gather her in my arms and tell her it's okay to feel that way.  Then I tell her we should cry really hard about it for 1 minute.  "Let's try to get all our crying out and then we'll make the bed."  Usually she finds it quite hard to cry at this point because she already feels so much better being validated in her emotions.  And if she tries to cry she ends up laughing.  And then making her bed doesn't seem quite so hard.

She's learning.  She's learning how to deal with emotions.  She's learning how do tasks like making her bed.  And if I'm just yelling at her instead of teaching her, how will she ever learn?

I try to remember this when my kids:

  • Can't sit still.
  • Fight with each other.
  • Spill the milk.
  • Have messy rooms.
  • Don't listen to me.
  • Are dishonest.
  • Cry over things that seem small.
  • Want to "help" me with things.
And more.  

They are learning.  And if I can remember that they are learning and I'm their teacher then I take my role more seriously.  If they are struggling then perhaps I need to step up my teaching.  

I also try to allow TIME for the learning process to happen and not expect perfection when a lesson has been taught.  

Some things take awhile to really learn.

…Like parenting. :)




Wednesday, May 23, 2012

White and SO Nerdy...

So I've noted, as of late, that it's actually kind of cool to be "nerdy".

Everyone claims, "Oh, I'm such a nerd.  I love comic books and movies like "The Avengers".

Geek chic is way in.

People, when nerdy-ness is the norm, it's not nerdy.

I think we have lost site of what true nerds look like, so let me help you out.

They look like this:


And they do things like this: 

True nerds spend their weekend, while their kids are away with their dad, staying home and putting together a "mystery puzzle".  

This puzzle had a story and a code we had to crack... and crack it we did!

We had two weekend-nights completely kid free and Shane said we could do anything we wanted and I said, "I want to stay home and do a puzzle and eat brownies and ice cream."

Luckily Shane likes to do that too!

So if it's cool to be a nerd then Shane and I are the coolest.  Unfortunately I think it's only cool to be a certain type of nerd and I do believe I have missed the boat on that.

Oh well, truth's out…

I'm a nerd!

…And shut your face if you're making rude comments like "I already knew that."  You can only know it once I reveal it. :)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Nigar & Bedar...



Shane has a really cool job.

He teaches people from all over the world.

We now have friends from China, Kurdistan, Iraq, Japan, Brazil, Russia, Korea, etc.  You name it and Shane more than likely has a friend from there. (Yep, even Mongolia!)

I suppose you could say he teaches them English, but really he teaches them hope.

He fills them with courage.

And he inspires them to do more.

He is a really great teacher (and I promise you that is more than my unbiased opinion…it's a fact :) ).

Every semester he usually has one or two very special students.

Bedar (the guy in this picture) was in his class last year and I remember Shane telling me about him.  This year, as chance would have it, Nigar (Bedar's wife) happened to be placed in Shane's class as well.

Bedar and Nigar are from Kurdistan.

If you don't know where Kurdistan is and are as geographically challenged as I am, it is actually partially inside 4 different countries: Iraq, Turkey, and two other places that I can't remember right now.  So there's your geography lesson for the day. (Shane's brother Seth is probably cringing right now….sorry Seth!)

Shane always tells me about his special students and he knows which ones I will really like….he's never been wrong.  He knew I would like Bedar and Nigar.  They came for dinner last night and I didn't want them to leave.  They are fascinating and really cool.

I wish that you could see personalities in pictures.  If you could, you would be able to see two of the most amazing 23 year olds you have ever met.

They have big plans for their country.  They are both Fulbright Scholars and are so smart it's unbelievable.  Bedar just finished a two year Law School program at ASU in one year.  This is a guy that just learned English!!!

Nigar told us how she has to talk to herself in the mirror "like a crazy person" to keep going sometimes because it is so hard to be in a foreign land--going from being the smartest person in her class to feeling like a child who can barely communicate.  But they are driven and focused and determined.  They have already sacrificed so much so that they can be a force for good.

I am certain that their country will be better because of them.

I know I am.